i am trying to keep out the what if's today
but i am not doing a good job
what if
i hadn't gotten divorced
then today
would be my (our)
20th wedding anniversary
and right now
that sounds like a milestone of success
on a day where i don't feel that so much
what if
that job i interviewed for two weeks ago
had called
then today
i would be looking forward
to full-time ministry employment with benefits
or at least a next interview
instead of this liminal space
that is easy to get lost in
what if
i told the man who i went to high school with
who said he wants to come to colorado
and see me
and meet my kids
that
yes
he should come
then
i wouldn't know how to be
head over heels in love
with the one i really love
but worry that i shouldn't
what if
i had stayed committed to quitting my lunch cashier job
when they asked me to stay
the flattery woo-ed me
but does it squelch my creativity
for finding good and valuable employment
that i love
and that affirms me
what if
i had taken all the lefts when i took rights
and all the rights when i took lefts
what if
it doesn't matter
that i am exactly where i am supposed to be
that i have
me
and i am good enough
and successful
and loveable
and loved
and employable
and thriving
and
what if
i don't have to be afraid
of the negative feelings
the uncertain feelings
that sense of being lost
but can celebrate
that i feel
and feel deeply
and the fears and uncertainty are a part of who i am
but do not define me
if what i know is true
then
i am ok
and the what if's can't change that
or change who i am
or what i know
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