to be numb than to feel
i saw a friend
and old friend
and told her
that i am grateful to have a job
a lunchtime cashier job
3 1/2 hours every day
monday through friday
because
i think
if i didn't
i would be a drunk
a drunk
numb
set apart
not engaged in what hurts so much
i cannot find a job
a full-time job
a full-time job with benefits
so that i could live
on my own wage
without alimony
on my own
my own work
my own value
my own life
and somedays i realize
that i am living in my own fears
my old fears
i stayed in a marriage 5 years longer
longer than i should
longer than made sense
not for my kids
but because i was afraid
afraid that i had no worth in the world
afraid that i had no marketable skills
afraid that i could not find a job
and now
right now
i live in those fears
because for over a year
i have looked for work
and have not found it
and i live on alimony
less and less
but every day i wake up
go to work
and
remember
that i am not failing at my life
i am not failing
but maybe,
i am not succeeding either
and that hurts
sometimes
being numb sounds inviting
instead
i feel
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